WHEREAS Pew’s Your Daddy is the most popular softball team to ever flirt with a .500 record and
WHEREAS The Daddies’ roster often extends to the second page of whatever random scrap of paper we are using to score and
WHEREAS In last night’s humiliating 32-8 loss to a bunch of scrubs with a LOSING record, the Daddies did not even complete two full rounds of the batting order and
WHEREAS The Daddies attendance is so wildly unpredictable and maddeningly fluctuating that just a few short weeks ago, the Daddies literally had to resort to begging strangers to play on the team to complete the line-up and
WHEREAS The Daddies captains cannot control the weather and order up a 60 percent chance of rain every Wednesday to keep the turnout manageable and limited to the die-hards and
WHEREAS Everybody just wants to friggin hit!
NOW THEREFORE Pew’s Your Daddy adopts the following requirements for new recruits (hereafter referred to as “newbies”), in following the principle that every Daddy must be good, fun or drunk
FIRST, that before a newbie’s initial appearance in the field, that newbie must complete one of the following tasks:
- Hit three pitched balls over the heads of all outfielders in pre-game batting practice
- Accompany Pew’s Your Daddy on a post-game trip to Froggy Bottom Pub, 2142 Pennsylvania Avenue, Northwest, Washington, D.C. and partake of the team’s post-game revelry and/or bitch session, with activities including, but not limited to, strategy setting, shit talking, pocket billiards and flip cup. Completion of this task will be validated by the fact that Mary Kate, the most awesomest bartender in the world, knows said newbie’s food order.
- Bring at least twelve (12) cans of a low-quality American beer to the softball field, along with adequate red cups and/or Koozies, for the shared enjoyment of all members of Pew’s Your Daddy and their guests. Said newbie must shotgun two cans of beer and then, to the satisfaction of the captain or the captain’s designate, still be able to bat decently.
SECOND, that on at least one occasion within the first three games a newbie plays, the newbie must take home the bat bag or equipment bag and return it to the field for the next week’s game and
THIRD, that every newbie must recite, whenever asked by a member of Pew’s Your Daddy, his or her connection to the Pew Charitable Trusts, Pew Research Center or current or former Pew employees or members of Pew’s Your Daddy. The newbie must also explain, in painstaking detail, his or her prior athletic experience, from the time of birth to the present day, so as to bullshit a reason for why, in subsequent games, he or she ought to be placed higher in the batting order and
FOURTH, that newbies bat last
RESOLVED, by the power (none) invested in me, Dan Vock, captain ex-officio, by Pew’s Your Daddy, on this 30th day of June 2011.
