DADDIES GET TORCHED BY ONE-HITTERS

CHANTING CLOVE SMOKERS NIP DADDIES’ HOPES IN THE BUD

THE CAPITAL HEMP BATTING CAGES — They say history is written by the winners. If that were true, you would not be reading this today. The annoying thing about losing a softball game 31-12 is that no blown foul call, no loudmouth opponent, no secret stash of chemicals can really explain it away.

The fact is Pew’s Your Daddy lost. They lost by a lot. And by accumulating far more errors than hits, they managed to lose by such staggering sums in just five innings.

That the defeat came at the hands of the One Hitters (aka “Our biggest rivals” and the only other CSL team dorky enough to tweet) just made the pain that much more unbearable.

The game was lost in the vast expanse of downward sloping hill that lies beyond the bases of the Daddies’ permitted field, which some people generously call “the outfield.”

A familiar pattern emerged that accounted for most of the desolation. When a One Hitter would come up to the plate, he or she would typically sit on about five or six pitches before opening their eyes. A couple more throws would sail over home (somewhere between the numbers and the knees), before the batter would wind up until his thumbs touched his ears. Then he would dig deep with all his might toward the incoming throw. At that point, the ball would gently glide by at waist level.

The Daddies fielders got so bored by this charade that they started studying the threading on their gloves, the patterns of distant bird song or the inane conversations of tourists — anything to keep them from falling asleep. Then, suddenly, the batter would jack a solid hit on a garbage pitch.

At first, an unsuspecting Daddies fielder would botch the catch. Then a second would also mishandle the play. And the third… Haha. There was never a third! The two fielders would stare blankly at each other for a few minutes, waiting for a third fielder to rescue them, before realizing that the last base runner was dangerously exposed near first or second or third base. After at least one overthrow, the next One Hitter came to the plate and the process started again.

An hour or so later, the Daddies would come up to bat. However, being at home, they in no way adapted to the field conditions beyond second base. And they certainly did not wait for pitches. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Sadly, half of the Daddies runs came from just three heroic batters: Alec “Hitchhiker” Tyson, Jeffrey “The Shark” Lehmann and Ivan “Salt N Pepa” Sciupac. Tyson and Lehmann both opened up the game with triples; Tyson later scored a home run, and Sciupac followed suit. Richard “Bitter” Auxier, who told everyone how he got a home run in the Daddies previous embarrassment of a game against the Microsoft Bada Bings, demonstrated why he thought it was such a big deal. He did nothing of the sort against the One Hitters. As usual, he was happy just getting to second a couple times.

But the real humdinger was the base running of Mike “Bones” Bolinder. The hardened veteran was dismayed to discover that, due to his tardy arrival, he was relegated to the SECOND PAGE of the batting order. For a man whose nickname (err, superior batting skills) practically cemented his place in the top of the order as the verb between Nick and Elizabeth, being the lead-off to the lead-off was nonsensical. Who ever heard of “Julia, Bones, Molly” anyway? It doesn’t make any sense! “This team,” Bones fumed, “is not Virginia-friendly.” As if it ever was.

Bones tried to make the most of what would prove — possibly as a result of his own actions — to be his only plate appearance. The storied slugger, of course, got on base, but only with a single. He tried to stretch it out to a double but was quickly recalled because — and this is a major plot point, folks — Kat “Roadkill” Zambon had safely arrived at second and wasn’t planning on going for more.

So tension filled the air when, with two outs in the inning, Molly “Know All” Rohal stepped up to the plate. She, of course, acquitted herself well. Her solid single would keep the Daddies’ rally, however improbable, alive for the top of the order.

That’s not, however, how Bones saw it. Despite the frantic warnings of third-base coach Sam “Domer” Derheimer, Bones tried to stretch Rohal’s single-base hit into a two-base ticket for him. Unfortunately, Bones was the only one who got this memo. Bones did, in fact, triumphantly beat the throw to third. But no one, least of all Zambon, expected him to be there. The Stoner tagged Zambon, and the inning was over.

Not that it mattered to anything but morale. The sun could not set quickly enough. Even several pitchers of Froggy Bottom Lager could not salve these wounds.

GAME NOTES: Rookie Brett “Not Frank” Dickstein nearly started a fight with the One Hitters when the called a clearly foul ball fair, which only padded their astronomical lead… The Smokers loved Dickstein the most during the next inning when he collided with the catcher in a play at the plate… Elizabeth “E-Pod” Podrebarac has been promising a home run for nearly a year, so expect one next week against the Censeo Reds.

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