COUSINS AT ONCE REMOVED FROM SPOTLESS RECORD; DADDIES RANKED FOURTH
THE SOUTH SOUTH SOUTH LAWN OF THE WHITE HOUSE – It didn’t take long for the storied softball franchise of Pew’s Your Daddy to establish its supremacy this season. Not even a full inning.
In Opening Day festivities Wednesday (May 13), Pew’s Padres pounded the Udall Primos 16-5.
The Primos simply had no hope of catching up with the Daddies after The Men (and Women) in Black (and White) jumped out to a quick lead. The Daddies quickly retired the first three Kissin’ Cousins who stepped to the plate. One reached first, but the feat was soon erased when the Funky Pew D’s turned a double play. The hurt would get much worse.
First up for the Daddies was Alec “The Heartbreaker” Tyson, who crushed the Cousins’ kindred spirits with a long ball to deep right field. Tyson’s only regret upon reaching home plate was that his first home run of the year didn’t take out a kickballer.
The onslaught continued, as the next four batters reached base and eventually scored. Rookie Sam “Wipeout” Derheimer redeemed himself for a less-than-graceful debut in training camp. He tamed his fauxest of fauxhawks before the game and smashed a home run during his first at-bat. Yes, by the time the first inning ended, the Daddies held a comfortable 6-0 lead.
The Preemies threatened early in the third, when their feisty catcher came to the plate. In one at-bat, she forced pitcher Danny “Vader” Dougherty to deliver some 59 gift-wrapped and bow-tied pitches to what would be any other batter’s roundhouse. But persistence, as they say, pays. On the 60th try, she nicked the ball and even managed to make it to first. Eventually, she even crossed the plate, beating an overthrow to the plate. The Primos picked up two runs in the third.
Our Fathers responded as our beloved Caps unfortunately could not that night: They unleashed the fury.
The third inning saw seven Daddies cross the plate, starting with newcomer Stan “Slider” Turner who took a free trip home courtesy of Jeffrey “The ‘Stache” Lehman on Lehman’s first over-the-fence shot of the year. The home run derby continued. Tyson registered a second in as many appearances at the plate. Nick “The Stick” Wiseman and Kip “Shifty” Patrick also took jogs around the diamond.
A 13-2 deficit didn’t take the fight out of the outmatched Primos. Indeed, it seemed to get their dander up.
A particular petulant Primo known to the Daddies only as “Orange Sox” tried to stretch a solid single into a double, and, when that didn’t work, tried to argue his way into one. Second basewoman Annie “No Joke” Cloke clearly stepped on the base before the fluorescent-outfitted misfit. Had the score been tight, things would’ve got ugly. Yes, even uglier than the orange socks.
The lopsided score convinced most Daddies to give Two Socks a mulligan. But later, when he was batted in, Kil “One Thousand” Huh howled in protest, “That one doesn’t count! That one doesn’t count!”
But some justice prevailed. On the same play, Dougherty bolted home to haul in the throw from the outfield. With a lunge forward to corral the throw and then another lunge back to make the tag, Dougherty minimized the damage. The Primos would never score again, although the Daddies piled on with three more runs in the sixth, making the final score 16-5.
