THE DUCK POND – Cops threatened, the opponents blatantly cheated and dozens of schoolchildren yelled in protest, but Pew’s Your Daddy emerged victorious during Thursday’s close-fought contest against Margin of Terror.
Led by Player of the Game Jim “Told You So” Albrittain, the Daddies whipped the Democratic pollsters by a terrifying margin of 12-6. Albrittain earned the game’s top honors by going 2-2 with two doubles and aggressive base running. His efforts were instrumental in rallying the Daddies from a 4-1 deficit early in the game.
The Daddies’ efforts had been stymied early on by lackluster pitching from Terrorist hurler Carolyn “Real” McCoy and her forgettable sub with his parabolic arc. Daddy sluggers, particularly at the top of the line-up, grew frustrated and swung at questionable pitches. It took a heroic sixth-inning effort, in which the Daddies scored five runs, to put away the pesky Standards of Deviancy for good.
Dan Seligson held his team together in his managerial debut by demanding solid fielding. And by “team” we mean “Mongol horde of ruthless black-and-white-wearing Pewfolks.” Turnout was top-notch. Rookie Kil “No Nickname Needed” Huh provided clutch catches for outs at third base. Rachel Estabrook, Mary Taylor, Jeff Lehmann re-joined the team after contract disputes. And Emma Cravey found the field this time, even without her glasses.
As should have been expected, the Terrorists broke standard rules of engagement. In the Congressional Beer League, it is illegal for women to both pitch and catch, unless there are more than three women on the field. The rule prevents backwards-looking teams from excluding their women players from playing certain positions. But the Terrorists refused to follow the simple rule for most of the game. The new strategy forced the Daddies to adapt to the facts on the ground in order to secure victory.
Also, an officer from the Park Service Police showed up in what was clearly either a shakedown attempt or a below-the-belt ploy on behalf of the opponents. The officer threatened to tow the motorcycle of Mike “Bones” Bolinder for violating some obscure 18th Century prohibition against parking motorcycles on the Mall. Undeterred, Bolinder broke off his conversation with her to take his turn at bat. Sadly, the distraction was enough to rattle him into making a quick out (his only one of the season), but he escaped the officer without a citation. Rest assured, Bolinder still leads the team with a 2.833 slugging average and 12 total bases.
Eventually, the hearty play of Ivan “Cleats Not Spikes” Sciupac reinvigorated Daddy efforts on offense. He sped toward second base to beat a throw and executed a beautiful slide to avoid the tag. But his professionalism spooked the pollster fielder, who missed the catch completely, and Sciupac quickly sped toward third. The slide apparently rattled the whole opposing team: Soon the Marginal manager declared that slides should be off-limits because many on our team were wearing appropriate footwear. This irked, nay, angered the Daddy dug-out, and justice was repaid. Later, when Dan “Couldn’t Slide Anyway” tried to beat a throw to home, he executed an awkward duck-and-cover move that prevented the moment from appearing on SportsCenter but that resulted in yet another safety run scored regardless. At least the school kids visiting the Vietnam Veterans Memorial who were heckling Daddy batters got a show.
The comeback efforts were aided by the selfless act of John Vargas and Richard Auxier, who executed an effective, though time-consuming, mid-game beer run. They apparently retrieved the beer from B.F.E., because they thought it stood for “Beer For Everyone.”
A bitter but conciliatory Terrorist squad accepted defeat by inviting the Daddies to a local tavern. There, at least, the pitchers are good.
– Former Stateline.org staff writers Ivan Sciupac and Dan Seligson contributed to this report.
GOLD STARS: Manager Seligson awards this game’s three gold stars to the following (“in order of awesomeness”):
- Jim Albrittain for two doubles and aggressive baserunning
- Emma Cravey for two singles and one run
- John Vargas and Richard Auxier for their mid-game beer run
1 Comment
July 13, 2009 at 9:51 pm
[...] a 12-6 defeat the marginal Errors suffered at the hands of the Daddies two years ago (See “Pounding Fathers Win War on Terrorism“). But their methodology was suspect and the Statistical Anomalies came up with the same [...]