
The Daddies tried to keep cool in the dugout, with varying success.
PEW LOSES COMPOSURE IN ESCALATING GAME OF ANGRY ANTICS
The tone was set with the Daddies’ first at-bat.
To start the Daddies’ offense in a nearly accidental but clearly consequential showdown between the No. 2 Pew’s Your Daddy and the No. 3 Raising Arizona, speedster Alec “Pickles” Tyson smacked a grounder to short. The shortstop quickly grabbed the ball and hurled it toward first, the kind of routine throw high-ranked teams make all the time. But high-ranked teams don’t often play Alec Tyson.
Tyson tucked his head and raced past first, right as the throw hit the Arizonan’s mitt. A close call. The judgment fell to the Daddies’ first-base coach, who just so happens to be an omniscient narrator. Ties, even the less-than-omniscient know, go to the runner. “Safe!”
The Goldwater State shortstop huffed and puffed and nearly blew a gasket. The first baseman, too, was aghast. More Arizona voices were raised. Daddies rallied behind their runner. Anger was fueled. Curses were muttered. Calamity threatened. On the Daddies’ very first batter.
That’s the kind of day it was, as two s**t-talking, cupcake-playing, league-leading teams competed for the right to talk even more smack on the field, on the sidelines, at the bar and even on their blog. But at the end of the day, the Huggies Stealers won 9-6, snatching first place.* And yet Pew’s Your Daddy is still talking s**t.
The Pew Papas took an early lead over State Forty-Eight, as Tyson eventually came in and Elizabeth “Shutterbug” Podrebarac joined him, putting the Daddies up 2-0 at the end of the first. The pattern continued in the second, with both lead-off hitters — Aaron “Tiger” Smith and Mike “Ratner” Light — crossing the plate and upping the tally to 4-1.
But the Daddies fielders fell apart in the field during a painful two-out rally in the fifth. The Grand Cannons opened fire with a salvo of bravado and bastardly ball playing. The Daddies were stunned to see another team copy their tactics so shamelessly and so perfectly. The Flaming Phoenicians capitalized on the Daddies’ disarray.
Catcher Pauline “Awesome” Vu grabbed a high throw to the plate, turned and tagged the runner — at the exact moment his foot hit home. Again, a moment of suspense, before the runner’s Copper State accomplices gained a new appreciation for the “tie goes to the runner” concept and called their man safe.
“What? Are you kidding me?” yelled Vu. “I TAGGED him.”
Indeed. Sadly for the Daddies, the near-miss was the last time a throw to home was true. The overthrows and other assorted errors piled up until the Arid Army racked up four runs, putting them ahead for the first time in the game, with a score of 7-5.
The Daddies inched closer in the bottom of the inning, but Raising Arizona was unfazed, padding their lead with two more runs in a sixth inning where the sum total of the Daddies three at-bats was nada.
Still, Daddies manager Richard “Rabid” Auxier would not go gentle into the good night. He raged, raged against the dying of the fight in bench-bound Daddies. Auxier was afraid to lose. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. And so the Daddies suffered Auxier’s exhortations, until it came time for the biggest braggadocios on each team to confront each other.
The moment arrived after a throw to Podrebarac at second. Podrebarac, who already has two double plays this season, stepped on the base and turned to throw to first. But in slid the cocksure Zona runner, clipping Podrebarac’s legs and preventing the easy chance to turn two. Podrebarac protested. The Zona superstar jawed right back.
Auxier, perhaps realizing that every good manager gets thrown out of games, stormed out of the dugout and spit forth a tirade that, while it didn’t make a lot of sense, seemed to mash all the buttons he knew how to hit.
“Hey man, if you want to be a gym class hero, that’s fine,” he taunted, approaching second. “But it’s just a game. It’s just a game man, and you’re winning.” Uhh, right.
At least we know Auxier reads the blog and/or write-ups. Luckily it doesn’t appear these particular opponents do.
The upshot is, there were no umps to throw Auxier out, and the game continued. No more Cardinals, Diamondbacks, Sun Devils, Big Units, Luke Waltons, Janet Napolitanos, Sandra Day O’Connors or other creepy Arizonans scored.
Despite Ianna “Bridezilla” Kachoris’ valiant single — marking her first hit and her first game of the season — the Daddies comeback that so often comes at this point in the story was not to be. The Fathers faltered and barely made it through the bottom of their 18-person batting order for the second time.
The loss comes at a critical time in the Daddies’ season. After the game, they’re clinging to third place in the Congressional Softball League with upcoming opponents that include No. 13 Affairs Not Relations, No. 7 Baltimore Oracles and a rematch against now-No. 8 Jesse and the Rippers, which humiliated the Pewfolk 24-7 earlier this summer. Not to mention the end-of-the-season tournament.
NEXT GAME: Thursday against Affairs Not Relations.
* And, yes, that’s largely the Daddies’ fault. Both Raising Arizona, then No. 3, and the Raucous Caucus No Sox (then No. 1) asked to play the then-No. 2 Pew’s Your Daddy when the Daddies’ previously scheduled opponent bailed. Raising Arizona asked first, and the Daddies accepted. The Raucous Caucus saved a field and pleaded for other teams to play them, but it doesn’t look like that happened. Hence the results: The Daddies went down in the rankings, Raising Arizona went up — with bonus points for beating a higher-ranked team — and the Raucous Caucus fell behind to No. 2 because they couldn’t earn any points without playing an opponent. So, in a small way, the Daddies chose the new No. 1 team. Then, just to rub it in, Raising Arizona played another team the next day and added more points to their lead. In case you’re counting.