Transport FAIL.

Yeah, the Transport This folks just bailed. With THIS weather forecast.

PEW’S THE MASTER AGAINST THE BREWMASTERS, EVEN WHEN OUTNUMBERED

TOXIC BREW: A BIT OF BAD BLOOD BOILS IN BEWILDERING BLOW-OUT

THESE are the times that try human souls. The springtime slugger and the hail storm Daddy will, in this crisis of absences, shrink from the service of their team; but he that stands by it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.

And so it was that a lonely band of seven Pew’s Your Daddy players managed to run up a 5-0 lead against the amiable and fully staffed Brewmasters and later burned the Toasters for a 16-8 victory. The unlikely victory extended the Daddies’ winning streak to five.

It wasn’t exactly pretty, though.

When game time arrived on the sun-soaked Monumental Grounds the Daddies call home, the once-teeming ranks of Pewballers were embarrassingly thin. Despite a flurry of text messages, cell phone calls and loud cursing, the Daddies were hopelessly scattered across the globe. And, to make matters worse, two potential players were running late because they never switched to Daylight Savings Time.

Deeply afraid of being known as “That Team,” the skeleton crew in black and white saw little choice but to step up to the plate. They offered the Brewmaster’s the home team’s normal prerogative of last ups with the hopes that the two stragglers would find the Washington Monument before the Daddies had to take the field.

That plan failed. Three of the Daddies’ top four batters got out. The bright side was that the Daddies went through more than half the batting order. But the very dark side for the Vader Wearers was that they would now have to defend against the Brewmasters’ best hitters while leaving gaps in the field big enough that not even Alec “Crazy Legs” Tyson could cover them.

On top of that, many of the Daddies were playing out of position. Manager Richard “Last Stop” Auxier gave up his third base post to play in the outfield, alongside Tyson and Melissa “Mambo” Monbouquette, normally a catcher. Dan “El Capitan” Vock left the mound for first base, while lefty Danny “Wedge” Dougherty pitched the entire game. Elizabeth “E-Pod” Podrebarac and Ivan “Gray Beard” Sciupac rounded out the staff, playing second and third/short, respectively.

Mercifully, the Brewmasters missed the gaps and the Daddies preserved the 0-0 tie going into the second. The once-cheerful Brewers grew agitated in the dugout. The teeth-gnashing had only begun.

Vock started the inning for the Daddies with his first multibase hit of the year, reaching second. Monbouquette grounded out to first and Vock belatedly reached third with an awkward slide. But a botched throw made the effort moot and Vock, with strong encouragement from base coach Auxier, quickly got up and scored the Daddies’ first run. Yes, somehow, the seven-person crew was now winning.

Dougherty and Tyson added to the total when Podrebarac hit a triple, also her biggest hit of the season. She crossed the plate on a sacrifice fly from Sciupac. Auxier, who reached on a single, made it five when Vock, on his second at-bat of the inning, inexplicably hit a triple.

The good news kept on coming. As the Daddies were grabbing their gear to take the field, Zach “Zack Markovitz” Markovits and Annie “No Joke” Cloke finally finished their grueling journey from Chinatown to the Mall. Their addition meant the Daddies were only one short of a full squad of 10, meaning the only gap was extra space in the outfield.

The Daddies held solid. They didn’t allow a single run until the fourth inning. And, in the meantime, they were racking up the stats with four more runs in the third, including a home run (or triple???) from Sciupac.

If ever doubt poisoned the minds of the Pewsters, it probably came in the fourth inning. The Daddies went four up, three down and left Monbouquette stranded. Then the Brewmasters started hitting like a team that hadn’t lost in a month, putting four on the scoreboard.

The doubt, if ever there was one, vanished in the sixth. That’s when Pew’s Your Daddy tacked on six more insurance runs, including a round-tripper from Auxier. The rowdy skipper hit the long ball an inning after Tyson, his cubicle competitor, also went for a lap.

With the game safely in hand, the Daddies set off to make enemies.

Never mind that the Brewmasters humored the rag-tag group for nearly half an hour of extra batting practice. Never mind that the score was scorn enough. Never mind karma.

Nope. Enter Jeannette from the Block, the Daddies’ Super Fan who spends most of her time taunting Pew sluggers and reminding them not to shame their mothers. This time, she also directed her New York attitude at the opponents, reportedly using words that would shame her mother.

So when an honest disagreement surfaced, the Brewmasters were rather disagreeable. Somehow the Masters were an inning behind in their scorebook, and when the Daddies announced it was the bottom of the seventh — the last chance for the Hopped Up Hitters to eke out a comeback — the visitors could scarcely believe it.

A comparison of the scorebooks ensued*. The Daddies’ version, while generally well-maintained by Monbouquette, omitted several at-bats by the scorekeeper and captain because there was no back-up scorekeeper. Also, the book happened to be soaking wet with beer. But it did clearly show 21 outs, putting the game in the bottom of the seventh. The Brewmasters’ version of a scorebook appeared to be done in ball-point pen on the back of a piece of scrap paper, and even the scorekeeper admitted it was done “kinda half-assed by three different people.” The Brewmasters proposed another inning, just in case. The Daddies, who had all played the entire game, declined.

With much consternation and grumbling, the Brewmasters finally relented. With one out left, their hitter smacked a line drive that the Daddies easily caught. But the Brewers’ runner on third jumped the gun and headed for home. Before he got back to third, Auxier tagged him out. Thus, the game ended on a double play, and not a particularly graceful one at that.

Now, the Daddies have had lapses of sportsmanship on occasion. And they’ve suffered some ridiculous defeats (see the McNamee Clients, aka Balco Bombers, now the league’s top team). But they have never left the field without a post-game line-up of high fives. The Brewmasters were not in much of a conciliatory mood, though, and only when the whole Daddies team walked in single file to their sideline did the long-standing tradition occur.

So much for glory.

* League rules say the home team’s scorebook controls. But league rules say a lot of things that don’t ever happen on the Mall.

Seven MVPs for Daddies’ short-handed effort to beat Brewmasters 16-8

The once-teeming Daddies dugout was empty the entire game last night, as the Daddies started short-handed (and miraculously avoided a forfeit) by playing seven players, even after delaying the start of the game until 7 p.m. We even gave up our last-ups rights as the home team to try to hold out for more fielders.

And yet, after scoring nothing in the first inning, the skeleton crew managed to go up 5-0 in the second inning before reinforcements arrived for the bottom half. Your heroes, in no particular order, are:

Alec Tyson

Richard Auxier

Elizabeth Podrebarac

Ivan Sciupac

Dan Vock

Danny Dougherty

Melissa Monbouquette

Honorable mention goes to our esteemed reinforcements Zach Markovits and Annie Cloke, who ensured that we could at least play with a full infield.

NATIONAL JOURNAL CAN’T HACK IT AGAINST DADDIES

l33t  H@x < D4ddi3z m@D 5k1lz

The National Journal Hacks, masters of the long-form magazine piece, couldn’t hold on long enough Wednesday to finish off the Pew’s Your Daddy batting attack in what can only be called a Fair and Balanced® game .

But they came close. The Media Elites went neck and neck with Washington’s Favorite Sources, swapping leads and briefly rattling the bullet-proof Data Mongers.

The back-and-forth started early, when the National Diarists opened with a four-run salvo in the first inning.

The Daddies responded with a broadside of their own, hanging five runs on the Atlantic Media Moguls in the bottom half of the inning. Elizabeth “E-Pod” Podrebarac got the scoring going early by driving in lead-off man Alec “Pickles” Tyson.

Ivan “Gray Beard” Sciupac kicked it up a notch with his first home run since the Daddies’ unfortunate collision with Smell the Glove. Pauline “Awesome” Vu and Jeffrey “Razor” Lehman added what turned out to be crucial scores, with the help of Aaron “Shitfeet” Smith.

In the second, Molly “Molly One” Rohal provided the sole run for either team, reaching second on an error. (The Hacks were later forced to issue a correction. As always, they regretted the error.) Sam “Snowcone” Derheimer drove her in.

Alas, the pesky reporters kept coming back.

By the fourth inning, they evened the score at six, forcing the Daddies to launch another counteroffensive.

Nick “The Stick” Wiseman started what would become a series of six Daddies singles that added up to four more on the board for Pew.

The 10-6 lead simply was not safe, although the Daddies certainly acted as if it were. The Inquiring Minds quietly added a run in the fifth and then went berserk in the sixth, piling up four runs and retaking control.

On the wrong end of an 11-10 score, the enigmatic bearded boy from Kentucky, Nick “The Stick,” decided it was time to stop watching SportsCenter and time to be ON it. He hacked that ball all the way back to the Smoky Mountains.

Watching from the on-deck circle was Richard “Last Stop” Auxier, a man who’s biggest motivation is to prove he’s better than you. Yeah, you. The foul-mouthed manager certainly doesn’t talk softly. But he does, on occasion, wield a big stick.

He had no choice, really, on that Wednesday. Put up and he could be the hero who scored the go-ahead run. Anything else would just be a bunch of hot air.

Amazingly, he came through in the clutch. Auxier knocked that baby out of the park. It would be the best thing that happened to him all day until he won a bet about the origins of Maryland rockers O.A.R.

Still, a 12-11 advantage was certainly not safe, not even from such trustworthy reporters.

The Hacks put a runner on base, and she advanced to third. Their batter walked up to the plate with all the motivation in the world. With two outs, a false swing meant the end of the game. But a beautifully placed blooper would catch the Daddies unaware and possibly even secure the lead.

The Hacker missed by an inch.

He smacked the pitch down the third-base line, just high enough that it looked like a base hit for certain. But Daddies third baseman Derheimer made a desperate leap straight into the air. When he came down, the bottom of the ball was stuck precariously in the webbing of his glove. The Daddies had won.

NOTE: The Daddies 12-11 victory marks a fourth victory in a row for the Pewsters, confirming scientific survey research that people at Pew really do consider July the greatest month of the year.

DADDIES NOTCH THIRD IN A ROW BY DOWNING RIVAL POLLSTERS

LEFT-LEANING TEAM’S SOUTHPAW HITTERS CAN’T KEEP UP

1600 CONSTITUTION AVE. — Following a fierce barrage of fraternal firepower in the first inning, Pew’s Your Daddy clung to an ever-shrinking lead to dismiss the lefty pollsters of Margin of Terror Wednesday night, finishing with a 12-9 win.

The message-testing mongrels of Greenberg Quinlan Rosner Research sought revenge for a 12-6 defeat the marginal Errors suffered at the hands of the Daddies two years ago (See “Pounding Fathers Win War on Terrorism“). But their methodology was suspect and the Statistical Anomalies came up with the same flawed result. They simply were no match for the deep bench, quick hands and futuristic technology deployed by Pew’s resourceful researchers.

The Daddies had their number from the get-go.

Back-to-back homers by Richard “Last Stop” Auxier and Alex “Nano” Parlini capped a devastating first inning, during which the Daddies scored five runs to the visitors’ zero.

Adding insult to injury, David “Pocket Square” Becker rocked the GQ Gentlemen* for Becker’s first-ever Daddies home run.

After a season and a half of trimming trees and fouling out with far-right flies, Becker beat the Odds by tilting a little left. In the process, he drove in Dan “El Capitan” Vock, who reached second only because of Errorific fielding.

“I’m in the write-up! I’m in the write-up!” Becker screamed as he crossed home plate. At long last, he discovered it takes more than just a few free beers. Thanks to the RBI, he has indeed earned his place in the Daddies’ glorious history.

But the post-Fourth fireworks nearly fizzled.

Alec “Pickles” Tyson tried to show off in front of the VIP crowd from the Pew Research Center, especially after Auxier’s first-inning heroics. But alas, Tyson got greedy and got picked off trying to take third, much to the chagrin of batter Elizabeth “E-Pod” Podrebarac, who was left fuming and stranded on first.

The downtrod Democrats sensed an opening and exploited it ruthlessly. After three innings with no runs scored, Greenberg awakened their inner giants. A solo shot ruined the shut-out. Then another high-flying home run — from the very next batter — came off a pitch from Vock. A third consecutive home run cleared the Daddies outfielders by a mile. The hard-won Daddies lead seemed to be in doubt. No pitchers were even in the dugout, much less the bullpen.

Luckily, the Daddies clamped down and didn’t allow another Q Baller to score that inning. And they retaliated with a vengeance.

The home team chalked up five more runs in the bottom of the fourth, starting with Nick “The Stick” Wiseman and not ending until a clearly flummoxed Vock flied out.

The Darth-donning Daddies would not score again. That meant they had to clean up in the field.

It wasn’t always pretty.

The Daddies allowed a score even when they had two runners caught between second and third. The visitors exploited holes in the Daddies’ defense, and finished the last two innings with three runs apiece.

But one fielder in particular held the Daddies together. Second basewoman Podrebarac plucked line drives from the air effortlessly, sending a series of swatting surveymakers back to reality.

The Margin that mattered most wound up as three runs. The Terror for the visitors is that they left the field with a runner on third and only two more needed to tie.

For the Clintonistas, it was close but no cigar.

*And they were mostly gentlemen, playing with one short of the league-mandated three women

SKIPPER-LESS DADDIES RALLY AND LIVE TO WRITE ABOUT IT

EDITOR’S NOTE: Sorry for the hiatus in posts. Many of the missing games — but not all — involved losses. Perhaps one day we will return to taunt Smell the Glove, but not yet.

By Aaron Smith

So I may have played the role of captain last night, but I’m clearly no Dan Vock…no 900-word recaps complete with witty nicknames and elaborate wordplay are in the offering this morning. Instead I’m doing this like I do so many things in life—amateurish and half-assed.

Game Recap: Daddies go down 8 runs in the first inning; stage a vigorous come-back and go up by two heading into the top of the 7^th; allow BSD to tie the game and then rally in the bottom of the inning to win 14-13.

Analysis: Outside of the first inning, this was probably our best performance of the year. Everyone got on base at least once, our defense was solid from top to bottom, and we kept everything loose even after going down a few different times. I’m sure that solid, consistent play had nothing to do with the fact that we only had 12 people instead of our usual 97.

Hitting MVPs: Scott, Alex and Alec each turned in a 3-4 performance at the plate with a home run. However, I’m giving the co-MVP award to Ivan and Jeffrey for shaking off the shackles of old age and putting us over the top with a triple* and RBI single, respectively, in the bottom of the seventh.

Defensive MVPs: The outfield tandem of Alec, Aaron, Alex, and Molly (with an early assist from Scott) shook off some opening-inning shakiness and proceeded to snuff out anything hit in the air for the remainder of the game.

Scoring MVPs: Blue State Digital, for crediting themselves with two fewer runs than we thought they had when we checked scorecards at the end of the 6^th inning. We were going to blow things wide open in the bottom of the seventh regardless, but it certainly made our comeback that much easier.

Anyway, in the words of the great statesman and motivator Herm Edwards: “We can build on this!” Hope everyone enjoys the long weekend and celebrates the birth of our country by getting really drunk and blowing some shit up real good.

DADDIES TRIUMPH OVER BARELY-THERE TEAM, LIGHT RAIN

NOTHING SCARES OFF THE WATERPROOF PEW CREW

HARRY’S, AKA SICK BAY – In a season already saturated with superlatives, Pew’s Your Daddy endured one more Wednesday: Surviving the fiercest storm to hit Washington, D.C., since the redcoats fled their Pennsylvania Ave. bonfire to go bomb Baltimore.

The Daddies showed up in force to flog the GUCCT  Somethingorothers in rain, sleet or snow. But the Geek Squad only produced four players by 6:40, when, on the verge of forfeiting, their entire team, vastly outnumbered as it was, was swept away in a monsoon. The Daddies were left alone as they tried to finish their beers, halfheartedly packed up their gear and huddled under a tree (always a smart choice in a lightning storm) in the deluge.

The Daddies were caught in a hail of… HAIL! Ice and wind and rain pelted their faces. Hell broke loose. Umbrellas were destroyed. Electronics rendered useless. Scorebooks soaked. Shoes turned to sponges.

“Me, I was scared,” said Zach “Radar” Markovits. “But Captain Dan, he was mad!”

“You call this a storm?!?” shouted the wild-eyed captain Dan “The Weatherman” Vock from a tree-top perch.

‘Twas a dark and stormy night, indeed.

So stormy, in fact, that some of the Daddies – the Mighty, Mighty Daddies – fled the scene of a softball game where unopened beer remained!

Oh, I know, I know, believe me, I know,  ‘tis sad news, but I can’t spare my readers from the painful truth. Some two thirds of the Daddies disappeared into the sheets of rain, heading off in the only direction the gale-force winds would allow them. Cat “Kinky” Sutton decided to brave it on her bike. Her doppelganger, Cari, tagged along as best she could.  Others joined the tourists mobs in futilely trying to hail cabs in the mess.

Alex “The Boy Scout” Parlini valiantly – but unsuccessfully – tried to warn the Daddies that standing in groups in a lightning storm is a no-no. Something about physics. Once he decided the Daddies would not disperse, he did.

But what did the true Daddies do? (True = stubborn and maybe not too bright) They gutted it out. That’s right. They outlasted the storm.

Aaron “The Full Monty” Smith celebrated by taking off his shirt. And then his shoes. When Ivan “Graybeard” Sciupac called out, “Hey sexy, you can leave your hat on!” Smith doffed his cap as well.

Mike “Bones” Bolinder celebrated his return to rain-soaked softball by making a Slip-and-Slide out of the first-to-second baseline. Alec “Different Drummer” Tyson, who weathered most of the storm doing a crazy little dance all by himself, snapped out of it and raided a nearby kickball field for abandoned playground balls. Sciupac tackled Pauline “Awesome” Vu for some reason. Rookie Kimberly “Good Intern” Leonard wondered why she ever let Vock talk her into coming out in the rain.

Melissa “Mambo” Monbouquette did something interesting too, but nobody paid attention.

That’s about the time the Hopeless Hoyas’ captain finally showed up. Not that he was ready to play softball or anything. He just wanted to make sure the Daddies were really there. That they were that crazy.

Once a second band of rain ruined the Daddies’ fun (and the beer ran out), the sloshed and sloshy softballers decided they had enough of drinking outside in the rain. So they went to Harry’s, where they drank outside in the rain. But Harry’s had one benefit: There they found their less-crazy teammates, including Tanner “Tardy” Horton Jones, Annie “No Joke” Cloke and Will “The Quiet Type” Murtaugh.

Not, as it turned out, a bad night at all.

BOTTOMS UP! DADDIES ERASE UGLY MEMORIES WITH BEAUTIFUL VICTORIES*

*in flip cup

BOMBERS-TURNED-CLIENTS CAN’T MATCH FIREPOWER OF DADDY STALWARTS

FROGGY BOTTOM PUB — Lulled into a false sense of security by their “performance” on the softball field, the McNamee Clients suffered a devastating defeat to Pew’s Your Daddy in the Best of Eleven Flip Cup challenge Wednesday night. The Daddies, who topped the wannabe lawyers with a 6-2 performance, prevailed with characteristic modesty, saying only “Olé, Olé, Olé, Olé! …Olé! …Olé!”

Led by Richard “Last Stop” Auxier, the Daddies took the unsuspecting traveling team by surprise. The Ginger Giants failed to recognize the home-field advantage enjoyed by the Daddies. They didn’t even notice the owner of Froggy Bottom greeting the Black-and-White Boys and Girls like conquering heroes (which clearly they weren’t) as they entered the basement from their classy minivan cab. Several pitchers of Froggy Bottom Lager were filled — and emptied — in quick succession, but the Daddies always maintained control.

The dominance continued even as the line-up shifted. Molly “No Beer” Rohal admirably filled in for Elizabeth “E-Pod” Podrebarac, even though Rohal is practically allergic to the tasty brew of hops, water and barley. Ivan “Gray Beard” Sciupac taught rookie Scott “The Spill” Clement how to flip a cup in slippery conditions. And Auxier successfully goaded the opposing side of 22-year-olds, building on his years of experience taunting kickballers.

The Daddies dominance became so undeniable, the one Red Sox fan (a humbled Red Sox fan — can you believe it???) among the Clients repeatedly asked, “Who’s your Daddy? Who’s your Daddy?”

Pew.

Pew’s Your Daddy.

[Insert Auxier expletive here]

No doubt about it.

It was a sharp turnaround from just a few hours earlier, when the Underage Clients snuck by the over-staffed Daddies on the softball field with the score of 32-4. (The Clients, who admitted they don’t know math, mistakenly reported racking up 34 runs on the league Web site. Salt meet wound. But, given the circumstances, senior management decided a formal protest isn’t worth it.)

The Daddies, taking pity on a rag-tag group of high school buddies from a Maryland suburb so dismal that even Auxier never even heard of it, did all they could to boost the egos of the Red-Headed Stepchildren. One wily groundskeeper managed to score a run on four consecutive Daddy errors. On the same play.

The Daddies led 3-0 until a uniformed officer of the law forced them to drain their energy drinks in the second inning. Not so coincidentally, the Daddies lost their lead in the second. It was like Popeye losing  his spinach. Only veteran Jeffrey “Disco” Lehman managed to break the spell, when showed his sorry-ass younger comrades how to score against the in the bottom of the seventh.

(It had been since the first inning that the Daddies scored. It had also been since the first inning that Lehman batted. Coincidence???)

Luckily, with the help of an unidentified photographer providing the evidence, the Congressional Softball Team will be lulled into a false sense of complacency, as its most talented team hussles the likes of the Clients and the First F’in Amendments and the No Talent AZ Clowns into believing that we won’t destroy them in head-to-head competition.

MVP: Are you kidding?

OMG: After Kip’s first-inning home run, the Daddies went 25 batters without scoring a run. That was barely once through the line-up.

WTF: On his first at-bat, Nick “The Stick” Wiseman nearly took out Alec “Crazy Legs” Tyson, who was standing on third base. Wiseman smacked the pitch down the third-base line and smacked Tyson in the ass. It was that kind of night.

GOLD STARS: Auxier and Clements get props because they ended up holding the bag. Literally. Next time, we need two new heroes to take the equipment.

DADDIES WIN THE FAMILY FEUD TO INAUGURATE THEIR NEW SEASON

COUSINS AT ONCE REMOVED FROM SPOTLESS RECORD; DADDIES RANKED FOURTH

THE SOUTH SOUTH SOUTH LAWN OF THE WHITE HOUSE – It didn’t take long for the storied softball franchise of Pew’s Your Daddy to establish its supremacy this season. Not even a full inning.

In Opening Day festivities Wednesday (May 13), Pew’s Padres pounded the Udall Primos 16-5.

The Primos simply had no hope of catching up with the Daddies after The Men (and Women) in Black (and White) jumped out to a quick lead. The Daddies quickly retired the first three Kissin’ Cousins who stepped to the plate. One reached first, but the feat was soon erased when the Funky Pew D’s turned a double play. The hurt would get much worse.

First up for the Daddies was Alec “The Heartbreaker” Tyson, who crushed the Cousins’ kindred spirits with a long ball to deep right field. Tyson’s only regret upon reaching home plate was that his first home run of the year didn’t take out a kickballer.

The onslaught continued, as the next four batters reached base and eventually scored. Rookie Sam “Wipeout” Derheimer redeemed himself for a less-than-graceful debut in training camp. He tamed his fauxest of fauxhawks before the game and smashed a home run during his first at-bat. Yes, by the time the first inning ended, the Daddies held a comfortable 6-0 lead.

The Preemies threatened early in the third, when their feisty catcher came to the plate. In one at-bat, she forced pitcher Danny “Vader” Dougherty to deliver some 59 gift-wrapped and bow-tied pitches to what would be any other batter’s roundhouse. But persistence, as they say, pays. On the 60^th try, she nicked the ball and even managed to make it to first. Eventually, she even crossed the plate, beating an overthrow to the plate. The Primos picked up two runs in the third.

Our Fathers responded as our beloved Caps unfortunately could not that night: They unleashed the fury.

The third inning saw seven Daddies cross the plate, starting with newcomer Stan “Slider” Turner who took a free trip home courtesy of Jeffrey “The ‘Stache” Lehman on Lehman’s first over-the-fence shot of the year. The home run derby continued. Tyson registered a second in as many appearances at the plate. Nick “The Stick”  Wiseman and Kip “Shifty” Patrick also took jogs around the diamond.

A 13-2 deficit didn’t take the fight out of the outmatched Primos. Indeed, it seemed to get their dander up.

A particular petulant Primo known to the Daddies only as “Orange Sox” tried to stretch a solid single into a double, and, when that didn’t work, tried to argue his way into one. Second basewoman Annie “No Joke” Cloke clearly stepped on the base before the fluorescent-outfitted misfit. Had the score been tight, things would’ve got ugly. Yes, even uglier than the orange socks.

The lopsided score convinced most Daddies to give Two Socks a mulligan. But later, when he was batted in, Kil “One Thousand” Huh howled in protest, “That one doesn’t count! That one doesn’t count!”

But some justice prevailed. On the same play, Dougherty bolted home to haul in the throw from the outfield. With a lunge forward to corral the throw and then another lunge back to make the tag, Dougherty minimized the damage. The Primos would never score again, although the Daddies piled on with three more runs in the sixth, making the final score 16-5.

UPDATED: Daddies cap off regular season by beating Mothers

Mike “Bones” Bolinder and Tanner “Tecate” Horton Jones demonstrate for their Pew rivals what “Tree Sluggers” really do.

Pew’s Your Daddy snapped a three-game losing streak Thursday, just in time to prepare them for the post-season this weekend. The Daddies took out the MotherDuckers in a 15-8 victory in five innings, before the game was called for darkness and drunkenness.

The intense match-up featured Tanner “Tecate” Horton Jones striking out swinging after whiffing three times, prompting old pro Mike “Bones” Bolinder to take him to the woodshed… or at least the forest. Catcher “Battle” Kat Zambon redeemed electionline with superior fielding behind the plate, catching a rocket from the outfield launched by Nick “The Stick” Wiseman. Zambon’s quick reaction stunned the Quack Attack, especially the runner three feet from home. The utter shock of getting tagged in front of home nearly landed the Web-footed Wonder in an ambulance.

PAULINE’S GOLD STARS AND SCHWAG

MVP: IVAN SCIUPAC, for being a sad sack loser who I’m only naming MVP because I feel sorry for him. Well, he also got a double and a triple (the last of which he tried to turn into a home run, though he was tagged on his way to the plate thanks to a mighty throw from the field. But that was only after he batted two Daddies in first).

BONES BOLINDER: for a home run and 2 RBIs

ALEC TYSON: for his single and home run (which ties him for most home runs this season)

These three guys went 2-for-2 and each got a double and at least one RBI: JEFFREY LEHMAN, RICHARD AUXIER and DAVID BECKER (who actually batted in three people).

AARON SMITH, who with a single and RBI didn’t exactly light up this game, but two weeks ago against Affairs Not Relations he played way better than Bones and Becker and I mentioned them but not him. So I’m making up for it now. You rock, Aaron.

Play of the Game: With the Daddies up only 7-4 in the bottom of the third, the Motherduckers were at bat with bases loaded and no outs. It wasn’t looking good. Their batter hit a fly to deep left, which STICK WISEMAN caught for the first out. The runner on third then took off, but Nick launched a superhuman throw to catcher KAT ZAMBON, who managed to grab the ball and tag the Motherducker a few feet shy of home. Since the next guy popped out, Nick and Kat’s heroics got us out of a tight spot that inning.